Bakadesuyo Blog Boil Down (VERY VERY IMPORTANT!)

This is a boil-down of all the amazing info on aka Barking Up The Wrong Tree (Will definitely be reading Eric Barker’s book).

With little doubt, this is the most thorough summation of effectiveness at life you have EVER come across. And this is just the 1.0!

I can now tell you, the purpose of Fight Failure is to create “THE GRAND UNIFIED THEORY OF WINNING”!!!

I’m just getting started.

With this single GLORIOUS post you now have the base information you need to excel in most areas of life.

Now you just have to get after it!!!

-Improving self-control in one area of life tends to improve all areas of life.
(Ppl who get on a fitness plan, study more, etc. see more discipline in other areas of life.)
-Make things habits so they dont use willpower(Every day is best)
-Reduce the number and complexity of daily decisions
-Eat good carbs like bananas, sweet potatoes, to replenish willpower.
-Willpower improves relationships and relationships improve willpower
(MM: Positive interactions build willpower. Good relationships lower stress response. See my review of “The Happiness Advantage”.)
-Do the most willpower-intensive things as early in the day as possible.
-Distract yourself(with something productive). Willpower is tied to attention. Focusing on something else increases self-control.

-SNEAKY TIP: Want to persuade someone? Offer them something tempting they’ll say no to. Resisting urges uses up willpower, leaving less for them to fight persuasion with.


-Re-frame nervousness as excitement. IE “I am excited to get something done!” or “I am excited to give this speech!”
Dont calm down. Nervous energy is powerful. Turn it into excitement energy and USE IT!
-Listen to the Rocky Theme and other motivational music. Any music that physically energizes and uplifts.
-Watch motivating movies.
-Have a ritual. Athletes warm-up, pianists play scales, etc.
-Good luck charms and superstition(Magic boxing gloves) actually improve performance.(MM: Belief matters!)
-Focus on meaning. Remember how what you are doing fits into the world/ contributes to what matters to you.
-Take ownership. “I’m going to do this and I’m going to CRUSH it!”
-Face your fears: Hiding from fear makes it worse. Face it and you overcome it.
-Foster optimism: Don’t be in denial. See the world clearly but believe in your abilities.
-Have hope because YOU are going to make it happen!
-Celebratory rewards build good habits. Eat after you exercise, for example.
-Re-charge by being active, not passive.
(Getting some wins or spending time with friends will re-charge you. A TV binge will not)
-Accumulate Small Wins(Daily exercise counts. Daily small wins are best- systems not goals for this all the way)
-“Just showing up” is much better than not showing up.

Staying calm under extreme pressure:
1. Emphasize The Positive And Focus On What You Can Control
2. Ignore the “What if?” questions(This is while taking immediate action, not planning. In planning you absolutely should think “what if”)
3. Focus on the next step, shut out useless thoughts.

Special Ops Pep-Talk***(GREAT stuff):

Here’s what I’m asking you to do.
Here’s why it’s important.
Here’s why I know you can do it.
Think about what you’ve done together before.
Now let’s go and do it.
(^Use this on yourself too)


-Positive self talk (“I can do it!” etc.) is key. Navy SEALS, all winners, have very positive self-talk.
-Self-compassion is much more important than self-esteem. Stop beating yourself up. Forgive yourself.
-Lower stress= Take slow, deep, breathes. Listen to uplifting music. Watch a cute puppy video or play with a real one.
-Control What You Can. Ignore The Rest
-Accept Everything. But Don’t Be Passive
-Events Don’t Upset You-Beliefs Do. Challenges are opportunities, etc! Re-frame into the most effective frame.
-Tell yourself bad things aren’t permanent, pervasive or personal — but good things are.
-Practice Visualization: Don’t fantasize about getting what you want but imagine yourself overcoming specific obstacles.
(This image will often be the correct solution to the problem!)
-Maintain a feeling of control over your situation.
-Emotional preparation: Consider how things could be worse.

Relationships(General and Romantic):

-Choose who surround yourself with very carefully, they will make you who you are.
-In a romantic relationship, make sure you can accept you partner “as is”.
Dont be with someone you feel has an attribute you need to change.
(MM: Remember that ideological and moral similarity is No.1 for long term relationship success)
-Fixing YOU is the best step toward a better relationship.
-Main relationship killer: frequent criticism of (or by) your partner.
-Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling. The “4 horsemen” of a relationship.
-If your partner has no attributes or beliefs that are deal breakers, be willing to accept their minor problems as-is.
-Really know the other person as thoroughly as possible.
-Before bed, talk to your partner about how their day went. Good ritual.
-Start all conversations positively, even if you have to go into negative info***(GREAT tip for all communication!!!)
-Express deep appreciation and admiration for your partner. Try to see them as just a bit better than they are.
-Give your partner affection, physical and emotional.
-Be honest with your partner and dont get mad at them for being honest. All but the whitest lies do harm.
(MM: The truth can be a weapon of course. This isn’t permission to use facts as criticism)
-Support your partner’s goals. Help them get what they want.
-Celebrate your partner’s successes. Be their biggest fan.
-Kill the boring dates. Do new exciting stuff. Dancing, suspenseful movies, learning new things together.
(^This is good advice for doing stuff with friends as well)
-Having no communication is much worse than having negative communication.
-More talking= happier relationship (Of course, what you talk about matters)
-Seek their thoughts and opinions without judging them.
-A great first date is something that creates excitement and energy.
(Share things about yourself and respond positively when your partner does the same!)
-Couples who put a positive spin on their marriage’s history are likely to have a happy future
-Want to be attractive? Make yourself look good, emphasize similarities, and let them know you’re picky, but you do like them.
-Stop trying to fix the bad and focus on relishing the good.
-Stop assuming you can read someone’s mind. If you don’t understand why someone did something, ask.
-If you want to improve your relationship do all these things and dont expect your partner to change overnight.
(Be the change you want to see and all that!)
-Relationships = health: Three times as powerful as exercise.
(Online relationships don’t count. Use tech to arrange relationships, not replace them)
-Cement a Relationship By Asking For A Favor
-Throw parties/ schedule get-togethers with many of your friends.
-Three golden questions: “How can I help you?”, “What ideas do you have for me?”, “Who else do you know that I should talk to?”.
-If you didnt catch what someone said/cant think of a response simply parrot their last two or three words in a sympathetic, questioning tone.
-Say positive and pleasant things about friends and colleagues when with others
-Have at least 5 good moments for every bad one.
-Ask them about something positive in their life. Only after they reply should you ask them how they’re feeling about life in general.
(The positive answer will pre-suade them to think of their whole life positively)
-To Give Feedback, Ask Questions (Dont criticize friends and allies head-on unless you have to, and then do it in private)

Connect Before You Correct (This works in negotiations as well):
-Fully hear them out.
-Confirm that you understand what they are saying.
-Confirm that they understand you get their position (Repeat their position back to them so they say “That’s right!”)
-State your position in the most persuasive way possible (Remember to frame in terms of other person’s interests)


-Do what you’re good at / become very good at what you do
(Something you can achieve Flow State regularly with. See my review of FLOW.)
-Minimize emotional pain.
-Do things you enjoy more often
(Don’t take this as “watch more tv/play vidya games” that’s laziness, not true emotional enjoyment)
-Listen to uplifting and motivational music
-Give attention to the good, interpret things positively, and enjoy happy memories.
-Maximize smiling(even fake)
-Maximize laughing
-Focus on the good and you will feel good.
-Do things that are new, different, surprising!
-Have a sense of humor. Teasing, jokes, etc.
-Help others as much as possible
-Invest in others
-Success doesn’t bring happiness. Happiness brings success.
-Have a strong social support base with many people you have deep connections and frequent positive interaction with***
(^This is 70 percent of happiness!!!)
-Live for a grand purpose far more important than yourself.
-Exercise. Cardio over weights(for happiness at least) but do both.
-Have a lot of sex and minimize masturbation.
-Substantive talk builds happiness, small talk doesn’t.
-Anticipating happy events will make you happy.
-Use negative emotions as signals you need to change what you are doing, dont wallow in the state.
-It’s your beliefs about the world that cause distress, not the world itself.
-If you choose to self identify as a happy person, your happiness will increase.


-Effective leaders build on strengths—their own strengths, the strengths of their superiors, colleagues, and subordinates;
and on the strengths in the situation, on what they can do. They do not build on weakness.
-Touch people to get your point across. Effective handshakes, elbow touches, all that.
-Compliment effort, process and choices, not ability
-Respond Positively To Failure. Work harder, set the example you want your subordinates to follow.
-Have competence, confidence, and warmth (VERY IMPORTANT!)
(Be moderately overconfident)
-Ask “What advice would I give my best friend in this situation?”
-Get Out Of The Office And Circulate Among The Troops
-Persuade Rather Than Coerce
-Praise your ppl, especially when someone does something right.
-Encourage Innovation.
(Praise and encourage ppl who have solutions to problems or who find problems others cant see. Promote it!)
-Influence People Through Storytelling
-Be genuinely interested in the ability of your followers. Do everything you can to build them up.
-Look the part.
-Always work hard to improve.
-When choosing tasks and strategies, consider your natural gifts.
-Pick a great team and get familiar with them.
-Within reason, always help others.
Voice should: be Deep, speak slowly, pause, drop intonation not rise, have deep breathing and speak loudly
(Interesting: The presidential candidate with the deepest voice has won pop vote in all elections since 1960)
-Never excuse ineffective behaviour because it’s “just who you are”.
-The ultimate metric of leadership is simply success rate for the team’s goals
-Creating strong relationships with as many ppl in the organization as possible is VITAL
-During a crisis be tough and decisive, but always have warmth, humor, and speak to the emotions of your followers
-Followers are made happy by achievement, recognition, the work itself, responsibility and advancement.
-Followers are most often made dissatisfied by policies, supervisors and work conditions
-Many leaders develop hubris by being in an environment where everyone agrees with them and praises them
Overcome this by having independant-minded advisors of varying degrees of nervousness/paranoia/intellect.
-Talk to the ppl on the front lines and ask them to be as honest as possible about the situation.
(^Understand they will exaggerate or underplay as well, but will be much better than the sycophants)
-The goal of management is consistency and order. The goal of leadership is to motivate and create necessary change.
-Knowing your limitations is key to being a great leader.
(Always be trying to improve, but if you arent good enough at something then give that responsibility to someone else)
-The least effective leaders are those we regard as cold and inept. (Remember- Be warm, confident, and project authority!)
-Inspire By Showing People The Importance Of Their Jobs
-Culture Is What You Do, Not What You Say
-Not knowing what is going on is lethal to a person in a position of power. Even appearing to be unaware makes a leader lose face.
-Getting rid of the bad first is the hallmark of great leaders
-Remember you become like the ppl you surround yourself with so you must pick very wisely as a leader.
-You CAN work too hard. Get 8 hours of sleep, man.
-Move quickly to deal with people issues.
-Anger conveys competence(Get angry and driven to accomplish the mission)
-Use of visualization and visual descriptiveness is speech increases charisma
-Consistency in tone is extremely persuasive
-Hiring smart, driven people is a ticket to your own success.
-The best predictor of team success is not smarts or effort — it’s how team members feel about one another.
-Look for great colleagues, role models, and teachers.
-Good leaders are supportive and create group harmony. They are not harsh and aloof.
-Look for the obviously bright people who are struggling in spots where they’re all but set up to fail.
(Move them where they will do better. And steal these ppl from other organizations)
-Realize that teams that report the most errors may actually be great ppl (They arent the ppl sweeping it under the rug!)
-The minority of your ppl will cause the majority of results. Treat these ppl well.
-Leaders spend most of their time with others.
-How to tell if a team is full of denial: The conversations after a meeting are alot more honest than the ones in the meeting.
-Be specific. Clearly specify to your followers what it takes to do a good job
-Fire people rather than forcing them to resign(It is terrible for morale to slowly wear someone down so they leave)
(Wearing someone down until they resign is a common Trump tactic. You can see how much ill-will and chaos it generates!)
-Creativity increases outside of a group setting. Encourage ppl to come up with ideas and bring them to you outside of meetings.
-Teams aren’t always the best idea. Having ppl work on their own can increase productivity significantly, depending on the task.
-Assigning roles to the ppl in a team is the best way to increase productivity.
-Speak slowly and clearly.
-Use all the symbols of leadership. Use social proof.
-Leaders who move into a new area often fail. If they bring their team with them, they usually succeed.
A successful leader:
-Knows as much as he can about the mission
-Believes in the mission
-Communicates the mission clearly
-Points the way
-Gets out of the way

Presentation skills:
Punch (Strong opener- humor, story, show gratefulness, project into the future)
One Theme(The one message you want the audience to remember for sure)
Window (Visualize with anecdotes)
Ear (Speak conversationally)
Retention(Summarize at end, ask audience to do ONE thing if you need to)
(Anxiety levels drop after a few minutes so having the intro well-rehearsed gets you through the toughest part of the talk.)

Motivating Others As A Leader:
-Stop Bribing- Show your followers WHY what they are doing matters
-Make Them Feel Something- Use emotion, use persuasion techniques.
-Emphasize Progress-
-Start A Cult — (With A Story)
-Frame through metaphor-stories and anecdotes
-Demonstrate moral conviction
-Share the sentiments of the collective
-Set high expectations
-Communicate confidence
-Use rhetorical devices such as contrasts, lists, and rhetorical questions together with non-verbal tactics such as body gesture,
having good facial expression, and animated voice tone(Keep in mind other aspects of the voice mentioned above).


Never forget where you came from, and always remember what you are here for. Be true to your values and faith. You are here for a purpose.


-Be in it for the long haul.
-Find a mentor.
-Start with what’s most important.
-Train like you fight. IE- If you are a musician practice correctly playing a song on a stage.
-Practice, practice, practice
-Train at a level that is difficult, but not impossible.
-Get fast feedback. From yourself, others, or reality.
-Practicing tests is more important than studying.
-Sleep is crucial for learning
-It’s often “Try different” not “Try harder”.
-It’s about DOING, not knowing
-Study the past, study the greats, in whatever you are learning.
(See how they dealt with your problem!)
-Break things down as much as you need to

Making Friends:

-Contact old friends and catch up
-Use existing friends to make new ones
-Listen, and seek similarity. Ask them to tell you more.
-Be interested in them. Talk a good deal more about them than yourself ***
-Check-in every two weeks minimum.
-Start a group.
-Celebrate their good news and accomplishments. Celebrating someone’s good times is the key to connecting with them.
-Know their hooks and hot buttons. Talk to them about things they like, avoid things they don’t like.
-Ask for advice. It will flatter who you are talking to.
-Hang out with people you want to be like
-Introduce friends to friends.
-Be engaged, enthusiastic, curious and have supportive nonverbal action. Ask questions. Be excited. Ask for details. Smile. Touch. Laugh
-Ask open ended questions like how, when, and why.
-When speaking to someone who is introverted or who thinks they have been talking too much, giving some personal info can help.
-Mirror their body language, unless it is hostile or bad.
-Give gifts (Sincere compliments or material)
-Make sure the other person walks away better for having met you

Small talk:

-Put others at ease
-Put yourself at ease
-Talk to all in a group(add them to the convo with questions like “what do you think of that, x?”)
-Establish shared interests
-Actively pursue your own interests(Not too much, though)
-With a serious topic or a good friend, ppl measure a conversation’s success by how enthralled they were by what the other person said.
-The less familiar the other person or the more trivial the topic, the likelier ppl are to rate the experience by their own performance.
-Discussion should enlarge by exploratory increments. Pace matters.
-If in doubt, the stair to intimacy has four steps:
Courtesies (“Hello, how are you?”)
Trade information (“So what brought you here?”)
Trade opinion (“Isn’t this music unusual?”)
Trade feeling (“Yup, I hate it.”)
Pose questions that circle the personal, note whether the other prefers a sharp or gentle approach, and adapt accordingly.
Although small talk aims to please, don’t make this too obvious.
-The higher the number, the better:
6: Shared feeling/experience
5: Confirmation of an emotion’s legitimacy
4: Pursuit of the topic
3: Acknowledgment
2: Implicit recognition (but changing the topic)
1: Perfunctory recognition (autopilot)
0: Denial/contradiction
-Hear what people are really saying as opposed to what they are telling you.
-Directness is a privilege of intimacy(If you want the person to like you)(MM- There are exceptions, but good as a rule)
-End the convo by saying how good it was to see them, or just bringing up you’re out of time.


-Have an alternative and know what your market value is: Preparation is what wins negotiations.
-Use a “Power Prime”: Take a moment to think about a time you felt powerful and you’ll act more powerful.
-Use perspective taking, not empathy: Understand their needs but don’t feel their needs.
-If you have good information, always make the first offer: Get anchoring on your side. Use precise numbers.
-Giving them options can help
-Talk about the future. Make them picture a deal in the future so they are incentivized to be more fair in the current deal.
-If they are in the wrong emotional state, use additional time(Wait until their mood changes).
-Speaking of mood, do deals after you both have eaten as it improves mood so much (Wine n dine!)
-Your behavior is contagious. Act how you want them to act.
(Sell or Be Sold: provide great service, be agreeable, etc. There are some really tough negotiations but you might as well start off this way)
-Even more important to know hooks and hotbuttons here than whilst making friends.
-It’s very valuable to have things you don’t want in a negotiation so you can give them away for things you do.
-Focus on influencing them, not being passive and waiting for them to decide. If you want to influence them be clear and consistent.
-Act with a purpose, don’t react. Decide how you want them to act and what you need to do to encourage that.
-Small talk before a negotiation is good.
-Be careful what behavior you reward.
-Your first goal in every negotiation should be to find out more.
-Always begin with the frame “Should this deal be made?” not “How should I make this deal?”
-Any time someone presents a benchmark number, evaluate it, don’t just accept it. Ask “Where did that number come from?”
-If either side wins all the time it will not be a successful ongoing relationship. You should want to win each one, but not to win them all.
-Being perceived as fair is key (This is for normal negotiations)
-Sometimes people don’t know what their problem is; you need to figure it out and solve it for them.
-If you can show them you understand their reasons, you take away the “you don’t get it” defense.
-If you can explain their argument even better than they can it shows you understand and they’ll be much more receptive to your POV.
(Don’t make their argument sound stupid.)
-Always attach a fairness argument to whatever you propose: “Here’s what I’m offering and here’s why it works for you.”
-Know your alternatives
-One of the most powerful negotiation tactics can be to make it impossible for you to do the deal on terms less than you want
(“The money is in the hands of a third party who will not release the funds unless you do XXX”)
-Paint a picture of how bad it will be for the both of you if the deal does not work out. “Nobody wants this result”
-You need to have a strategy for un-committing people who use self-limiting options(“I only have 50 bucks”).
-If someone says “take it or leave it”, don’t respond. Wait. If they’re still there a minute later, you know it wasn’t legit.
Change the subject and keep going.
-How do you know if they’re lying? Make them talk a lot. Long, involved lies are harder to tell than short lies.
-What should you ask for? The most aggressive thing you can request with a straight face. And you need a reason why it’s fair.
-After a negotiation, always ask, “What did the other side do well that I can learn?”
-Practice with a partner, don’t just read theory.

Goal Setting:

-Ask “What Do I Want To Be?” over “What Do I Want?” (both are useful).
-Regularly remind yourself. Post it notes, reading goals after waking, playing a CD while driving of you reading your goals.

Getting Shit Done:

-Schedule your deep work
-No distractions. Have a dedicated environment where you can do nothing hut work.
-Stop wasting time. You can cut out ALOT of what you are currently doing.
(MM- See my review of The One Thing)
-Make it a game to see how much you can get done. Try to do your absolute best.
-Control your environment or it will control you. Optimize your workspace for what you need to achieve.
(Have a “War Room” that contains what you need — and nothing else.)
-More work means you need more social support. And giving support is better than receiving.
-See problems as challenges, not threats.
-Get your to-do’s out of your head and onto one document. Then schedule WHEN you will do these things.
-Opt for “good enough” on the little decisions so you can focus on the big ones.
-Regularly capture, triage and prioritize new items.
-Work hard and become an expert
-Less Shallow Work, Focus On The Deep Stuff
-When in a tough situation, move from denial to acceptance as fast as possible.
-Before You Try To Do It Faster, Ask Whether It Should Be Done At All
-Focus Is Nothing More Than Eliminating Distractions
-BLITZ in the mornings. Get all the must-be-done shit out of the way.
-Tackle similar tasks at the same time. You can have whole days (or more) devoted to one area
(This increases efficiency because switching between tasks eats up time to re-tool focus)
-Almost everything will require more money and more time than you think.
-Do one thing at a time.
-Having a bad attitude/not doing things to be liked by co-workers and boss holds ppl back more than almost anything else.
-Energy, not time, is the fundamental currency of high performance.
-You are how you spend your time


-Want to settle down? Ask a family member if they know anyone. You are far more likely to find a future spouse through a family member.
-In fact, any sort of organized group is a good bet. 60% of those surveyed met their future spouse through school, work(bad idea), church, etc.
-Romantic relationships with work partners usually dont last and can have terrible consequences.
-17% of people who have dated online met a spouse or long-term relationship partner there. (Methinks its still a last resort though)
-Conscientiousness is the personality trait correlated with happy marriages. Look for formality of dress and signs of someone who is neat and organized.
-“Liking the taste of beer” correlates with promiscuity in a woman amazingly well.
-If a woman laughs at your sex-related jokes she is likely sexually interested in you(Though it may indicate is isn’t long-term relationship material)
-Establish that you’re hard to get in general — but very enthusiastic about the person you’re with.
-Being humorous is sexy(Being a clown or a goof isn’t)
-Stating that you are interested in them helps.
-Emotional, personal information exchange promotes powerful feelings of connection.
-When a woman is very attracted to a man, whether his pickup line is good or not doesn’t matter at all.
-Ppl don’t really fall in love with a person — they fall in love with how they feel when they’re with that person.
-Feeling excited, stimulated and aroused is often associated with the people around us, even if they’re not the cause (Do exciting shit with your date)
-the actual key to telling whether somebody’s lying or not is a change in behavior, not a specific behavior.
(Norm a person- get to know what they’re like when they’re relaxed, and then when you ask them difficult questions look for behavioral changes)
– Dating profile pic: Best pose for men is mysteriously aloof, unsmiling, looking off camera, while you are doing something interesting or in a cool place
-Red makes both men and women look more sexy and powerful.
-Two types of flirting are universal: smiling and eye contact
-Touching is the most effective form of flirting
Friendly: Shoulder push, shoulder tap, handshake.
Plausible Deniability: Touch around the shoulder or waist, touch on the forearm.
Nuclear: Face touch.
-If she is speaking smoothly and quickly that is a good sign.
-Men who were manipulative, arrogant, calculating, and sly got more poon than the nice guys(Of course).
-Happiness was the most attractive female emotion expression, and one of the least attractive in males.
In contrast, pride showed the reverse pattern; it was the most attractive male expression, and one of the least attractive in women.
-Staying calm is sexy.
-From partners: Men want beauty, women want status

“successful men directed more brief glances at their intended, engaged in a greater number of “space maximization” movements
(positioning the body so that it takes up more space; e.g., extending one arm across an adjacent chair,
stretching so that both arms extend straight up in the air), changed their location in the bar more frequently,
and displayed greater amounts of non-reciprocated touching to surrounding men (e.g., playfully shoving, touching, or elbowing the ribs of other men).”

Dating(Assumed to be 1st date):
-Talk travel, not movies
-Add to what they say and bounce the ball back.
-Dont dominate the convo or be a non-contributor
-Share secrets. Exchange emotional, personal information to build connection
-Choose Controversial Over Dull Every Time
(“how many romantic partners did you have?”, “When was your last breakup?”, “Do you have any STDs?”, “Have you ever broken someone’s heart?”)
-The amount a couple kissed was proportional to their stated level of relationship satisfaction.
-Before kissing a girl: Adjust her hair. If she didn’t flinch you should be good to go.(Have good breath bro. Also, girls like neck kisses)
-Dates at night have a much higher chance of leading to kino and sex.

Intimacy Building Questions(Ask at least a few per date):
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
8. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
9. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
10. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
11. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
12. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
13. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
14. What do you value most in a friendship?
15. What is your most treasured memory?
16. What is your most terrible memory?
17. What does friendship mean to you?
18. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
19. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
20. Complete this sentence:”I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”
21. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
22. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
23. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
24. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
25. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
26. “What’s the most unexpected thing you’ve learned along the way?”
27. “If you could call yourself five years ago and had 30 seconds, what would you say?”
28. What would you do with your time if you could afford to quit your job?
29. Someone gets a text message from you, and for whatever reason they’re not sure it’s actually you. They’re worried that someone may have stolen your phone. What could they ask to make sure it’s really you?
30. What is the craziest belief (the one that fewest educated people will agree with) that you hold? Why do you believe it?


-Your job is to provide a safe space to grow, not to systematically build Frankenstein.
-Under 6, they need play.
-School-age kids need teaching: Help them build skills. Cooking, etc.
-Teenagers need apprenticeships: They need to learn how to learn without you. And that means real world experience.
-Emphasize values over rules.
-Praise character, not actions.
-Explain how bad behavior effects others.
-Work on yourself: Increasing your own happiness and reducing your stress have big effects on your kids.
-Autonomy: Want them to be successful adults? Make sure they have a say in what they do — starting now.
-Communicate: Family meals make a big difference. Tell them their family history.
-Community: Their peers have more influence they you do.
-Getting them in the right peer group***
-Get Happy Yourself (You are the role model!)
-Teach Them To Build Relationships
-Expect Effort, Not Perfection
-Teach Optimism
-Teach Emotional Intelligence
-Form Happiness Habits
-Teach Self-Discipline
-More Playtime
-Rig Their Environment For Happiness
-Having pets really helps
-set ground rules and consistently enforce them. You know how much is too much.
-Settling arguments peacefully in front of kids is a good thing. It teaches them.
-Spend time with your family. Quality time is best, but just being around increases love.
-Tell your spouse and children that you love them every day, no matter how you feel.
-Be Part Of A Larger Community
-Telling stories kids can relate to may dramatically increase their desire to learn.


-Start the day happy. Listen to positive music, exercise, have fun, EAT.
-Take distractions it out of your work environment. Make sure where you work doesn’t get used for entertainment or anything else
(Same thing with your bed or your sleep may get messed up. Also, getting rid of distractions everywhere does nothing but help)
-In changing habits, start with keystone habits like exercise, sleep, diet and mood regulation.
-Plan how you’ll deal with challenges to a habit(IE if you are on vacation, to keep exercising you might do 50 pushups and body squats)
-The more you focus, the better at it you get
-Be proactive, not reactive.

Body Language:
-To be more likable, smile and use open body movements. No squishing.
-To be more influential, think about your goals. Upbeat to sell, calm to reduce resistance.
-To be seen as a leader, think power and warmth. Maintain good posture. Don’t be a jerk.
-To be more attractive, guys should follow the leadership postures and ladies the likable ones.
-Deepening voice and touching says “flirting”: True for both men and women.
-First impressions are often accurate.


-Playing loves songs while with a date increases her number of romantic thoughts.
-When creating messaging that goes against someone’s beliefs or is viewed as unethical playing positive music in the background increases the persuasiveness.
-Self control(aka conscientiousness) is an even greater predictor of success than IQ
-“You can’t get rid of a habit, you can only replace it” is bullshit. You can absolutely use willpower and mindfulness to change habits.
-Believing you are lucky increases performance. Believing in fate helps you cope.
-Burnout is depression. You are pessimistic about your job. Find meaning in what you do and double down on positive relationships!
-When making a plan imagine someone else being in your exact same position. What would you recommend they do?
-Have a meaningful morning routine
-Be prepared for the worst possible outcome so that whatever happens you will be prepared.
-If you feel down or challenged- Put what you are up against in perspective. It’s likely really not that bad (And if it is bad it could be worse).
-Re-frame difficult situations as opportunities to grow.
-Your brain often subconsciously notices meta-patterns. Your “gut feeling” is usually very accurate in things you have a lot of experience with.
-If you want something, ask. When making deals, ask big- you might get it.
-Too little stress is just as bad as too much
-You don’t need more info, you need the right info
-Stories are dangerous: They are the most powerful way to influence someone.
-To catch a liar, Use cognitive load: You want to reduce how much thinking you need to do and increase the amount they need to.
-When you’re tired, trust your instincts.
-“Good enough” is much better than procrastinating while looking for “perfect” (You SHOULD always be trying to improve, though)
-If you can’t be no 1 in something then at least make sure to be clever and have your own style.
-Telling People What To Do Doesn’t Work, Showing Them Does.
-Leisure time should be focused. Use it to do personally meaningful things!
-Regret over what you dont do is stronger than regret over a mistake(Up to a point, of course).
-Negative stimuli get processed by the amygdala; positive or neutral memories gets processed by the hippocampus.
Sleep deprivation hits the hippocampus harder than the amygdala.
The result is that sleep-deprived people fail to recall pleasant memories, yet recall gloomy memories just fine.
-Probably not one skill exists that can be as encompassing as listening. Listening is a major part of being a social engineer.
-People who expect more, get more.
-Interviews go better when: 1. They’re earlier in the day. 2. The weather is good. 3. It’s not the same day your biggest competitor was interviewed.
(Similarity makes ppl like each other. Copy your interviewer’s tone and do all the other similarity emphasizing stuff)
(Also, start off by asking them why they thought you might be good for the role. SLY!)
-Most pay raises are given to prevent good employees from leaving
-People who wrote a summary remembered 50 percent more material over the long term than people who…(just) repeatedly read(MM: Very true!)
-People will be likely to say yes to your request if you give them evidence that people just like them have been saying yes to it too.
-Advice seeking is a surprisingly effective strategy for exercising influence even when you lack authority.
-Vanilla lowers anxiety.
-The ability to stay focused will be the superpower of the 21st century.


  1. -Focus on meaning. Remember how what you are doing fits into the world/ contributes to what matters to you.

    This is good. Living with a purpose makes life more exciting.


  2. Excellent!

    I see you becoming “Head Teacher of Winning” of Edenism… maybe offer people some free 1-on-1 coaching (or groups) and slowly build up your mentoring chops. Will come in handy later, I think.


    1. If you’re going to be on Skype you have to talk to me too, it’s mandatory. I’d waive the requirement but my boss is really on me right now, my hands are tied. You’ll just have to make some time!


  3. Id thought Id let you know that the treasonous virgin Aeoli has linked this post to his blog. You might want to figure out a way for him to remove it.


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